where do we go from here?

Ur coming back in 4 days' time. I ought to be very happy and excited.
But most of what I'm feeling now is dread. Dreadful of the quarrels to come. My inability to tell u exactly what I'm struggling with. The difficult truth that we perhaps just don't understand each other much.

I'm drained and tired. I guess u are too. Perhaps ur not looking forward to seeing me. Perhaps also dreading the endless expectations that only suffocate u.

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm too unhappy and dysfunctional for u. That perhaps u will be happier with someone more "normal". Because ur so functional, u'll probably never understand me, and vice versa.

Oh wells. I duno wad is the purpose of this post. U probably won't read it. I wish I could mean what I say, like the way you do. U really gave up blogging after the quarrel and although I knew you really weren't going to blog anymore, I still checked everyday hoping for something. Pathetic right?

Maybe you're laughing at me or sympathizing me for my insecurities now. Or maybe just loathing me for spoiling your trip.
I dunno.